December Memories: Horse & Fashions (Not Horse Fashions, I'm Sorry)


I met a horse, recently, during December, and you know what? Horses are very cool and I don't often get to meet them. I want to meet more horses. Can someone bring some horses to my house? It's no problem, okay, just bring the horses. Thanks.


They love to eat grass, and I respect this because I used to eat (or rather, chew, for some reason) grass as a child. It's not delicious, but small me was compelled. I'm not saying I'm part horse, but, listen... you never know.


Here's me with Millie (dog). I may have become a ghost in this picture. Don't worry about it. Dogs don't mind and neither should you. Mind you own business quite frankly. If you were a ghost I wouldn't judge you, so you know. Just keep that in mind.


Here are some of my family members disappearing into the trees, as they love to do.


This picture of my aunt holding large polar bear is extremely good. Lifehack: do this.


And here is a picture of Christmas dinner. I like the crackers................................ nutcracker crackers.... good. Also I wore the little thing around the Lindt teddy bear's neck as a bracelet for the rest of Christmas day because I am truly stylish. Welcome to my fashion blog.

December Memories: Dogs & Polar Bears


I took a bunch of pictures over Christmas and I had a nice time going out for walks and hanging out with dogs. It's strange, maybe, that I have never had a dog. What kind of excuse for a life am I living? But luckily other people have dogs. Thank god.


There's something about walking along a forest path with three dogs that does feel like the most right thing to do at any given time. Let me be there with the dogs at any moment, emanating a mysterious glow in the woods, with dogs. That's the goal. That's the dream. But also what's good, is having a huge teddy bear.


My grandfather knows this true fact, and so possesses only the largest and best cuddly polar bears. There was a good moment on Christmas morning when four of us crowded round taking pictures of these two bears with two glasses of bucks fizz. We are all photographers. Don't disturb us when we are engaging in our prestigious and necessary craft.


Speaking of incredible photography that transcends all human understanding with its brilliance, I took this picture on another late night dog walk, and there's something about the light and the sky that I really like. Grainy, pointless images, are of course, my passion. But you know... it's that particular night time serenity. The deep blue of the sky. The shadows and dark trees. The threatening glow of a nearby streetlight. All things good.


Check out the river, too. It's pretty good.


I Hate Suitcases

I recently came back from visiting my family in Scotland for Christmas, and foolishly I had taken my suitcase, a small and trusty old thing given to me by my aunt and fitting cabin bag size requirements perfectly. It always feels quite big to me despite other people looking lovingly at it because in their minds, this is a baby suitcase. For babies. But to me it's sort of large. It's all the space I'd ever need. And the bigger suitcases frighten and alarm me. They are monsters, looming above me like that huge plinth thing that all the apes gaze at in 2001: A Space Odyssey. The monolith.

The thing is, my suitcase is really at the limit of what I can handle. I realised this on my way back home this time when I felt just how sore the underside of my knuckles were getting from dragging it. When I hobbled up stairs with it, leaning so far to one side that I was sent a cease and desist by the estate of Michael Jackson. When I made a very tragic attempt at lifting it towards the overhead space on my flight to Gatwick and could barely manage lifting it to my hips. This suitcase is beyond my range of athletic ability.


Thankfully, I don't struggle all that much with it in the grand scheme of things, and kind passengers will help me to lift things, which is nice, but what if the wheels break one day and I'm left with the sheer horror of having to drag it across the floor like a dog dragging its bum across a rug, but without the joy (for the dog)? And really, this suitcase is heavy and bulky enough without anything in it that I don't feel that comfortable using it at all.

The most damning thing about suitcases, however, is the bruising. I have a habit of being mildly yet agonisingly injured while travelling. On my flight to New York last year I walked so hard into the tray in front of my seat on the way back from the toilet that it really hurt to lightly touch my thigh for days. In Berlin in January of the same year my new plastic braces had an unfortunate stabby bit that gave me an incredible ulcer, making eating torture for about a week. In Iceland in February 2016 my boots, which had previously been fine, took the opportunity at that moment to decide to rub the backs of my ankles into bloody hellscapes, which stung for the entire holiday.

It's been fun.

At least I've always enjoyed those trips regardless of my physical suffering. But the sheer amount of leg bruises I have this time from various minor suitcase collisions, and the weird bruisy sensitivity between all of my fingers' phalanges that I have from pulling it behind me, have convinced me to abandon the suitcase for good.

No more shall I suffer. I'll take a backpack instead. A pack for your back. It's better. I hope I remember to never use a suitcase, to never even look at a suitcase again. No thanks! I'd really like to avoid all the strange knocks and bruises, and also that time I caught my little finger in the extendable handle's telescope. Awful. Suitcases are cancelled. No more suitcase.

All I really need is my passport and a small bottle of white wine anyway, right?

Glitched Grinch


Good Christmas to you. Smart and mysterious video game spook Breogán Hackett (@BreoganHackett) made a glitch tool and tested it with my recent video about our green angel of disdain and fluffiness, The Grinch, so check out these gifs from the resulting delightfully broken footage.


It's fitting that it fades into this beautiful, all-encompassing green. It reminds me of Syphon Filter, a great PS1 game that I always used to play one demo level of over and over again, steadily tasing enemies and watching them fall from rooftops like laser-felled snowflakes. What could be more festive?


Soon we will all be overtaken by a growing wave of green, as is the Grinch's will. I welcome this.


The Christmas lights do some interesting and fun things, the degradation of the lights into blobs and shuffling squares just like my family members becoming fuzzy irregular shapes as my eyesight gives up on Boxing Day. Beautiful.


Thank you Breogán for this sweet, terrifying gift. The Grinch would surely approve of this destruction.


Merry Christmas. Merry Grinch.


p.s. check out some glitched Shrek here

Gifts For Your Journey :-)


Please take these green paintings with you on your journey to the caves, or wherever it was you said you're going. I'm sure they'll help you and boost your morale as you travel. They are traditional scenes, telling of a complex mythology which I will not explain here as I know you're keen to get going. I wish you lots of luck in your quest.


May you look upon these scenes in times of peril and be rejuvenated. We're all hoping for your safe and triumphant return.

Also, would you bring us back a Cornetto? Strawberry please. Thanks :-)


Body Catalogue


Here are some scans. Look at my really good eyebrow. And my accidental spindly moustache. Life is truly a gift and a beauty. Sometimes I yearn for a strange moustache, and I'm glad that life has blessed me with a way to simulate this, one of my sweetest fantasies.

There's something very fun about holding my face while I scan it, like it's a delicate object only to be placed very purposefully and carefully onto things. Love to think of my body parts as disjointed, mysterious objects that one can pick up and put down like museum pieces catalogued and stored away. Surely that's the best way to perceive the body. And maybe scanning it lends itself to that. It's good.


The real and strange shifting of light and form become funny puzzle pieces. One tiny segment at a time. And it's fun that the body is this whole big thing that you know, but also this myriad of tiny things, pores and chemical processes. I like all the minutiae of it. The tininess and the vastness.


Take an eyelash as if it's a tear-off strip of paper from the bottom of an advert on a local noticeboard.

:-o


Here are some miscellaneous drawings that have been sitting in my pictures folder for a while, haunting it. Little squatters. I welcome them.

I'm kinda tempted to make this sweet, small bunny (above) my avatar everywhere. I mean, look at it. It's perfect. But then again, I like having the recognisability of my face being my avatar... so I don't know. Maybe. Please offer your opinions on this important matter. Shall I be bunny?


My pink felt tip pen is really running out of ink at this point. A true tragedy. But I'll keep trying to desperately use it as it gets increasingly streaky. That's my way. Gotta keep it going until it really has to be gone. No sooner. Never give up. Inspirational.


For some reason I really enjoy putting the ":-o" face inside a speech bubble like this. I find it very funny and good. But I guess in general I also find the ":-o" face very funny and good, and love to use it wherever possible. I love to feign shock always. This is one of the joys of life. The sweet joys of existence.

:-o


Also, why do I draw creatures so often raising one arm into the sky in a Shakespearean gesture? A gentle, tentative touch to the heavens. The theatrics, the drama, the gentle emotion of such an act... it touches me.


Finally: dogs. A simple congregation of dogs. And a bear, below, who will offer you much comfort. Very nice.