Reviewing J2ME Games: 1916 Dogfight

This is the worst one. This is the worst J2ME game I have played thus far.

1916 Dogfight has a certain visual flair. The text is legible and golden and beautiful, and the 3D models of the planes you pilot look neat and considered to a pretty high calibre for this sort of game. The look suggests a high level of polish and competence.

When you start the first level, though, and begin manouvreing your plane, you quickly realise that this is filth. 

You're tasked with flying the plane through a series of hoops. A classic flying challenge. Only, the controls on this thing are utterly disgusting. The plane swerves wildly with the slightest touch, careening into the static, poorly-tiled picture of a cloud that represents the sky. Everything is too fast, and all attempts at correcting your course will massively overshoot the direction you're actually trying to go in. This is a nightmare.

I'm supposed to fly through all these rings.

Perhaps this is what pilots experienced in 1916. Perhaps it was just impossibly dizzying. I've never before gotten motion sickness from a phone game, so this is the accolade 1916 Dogfight can enjoy. It is genuinely nauseating. 

Reviewing J2ME Games: 1805 French Empire

Don't worry everyone, anime Napoleon is here. He is the first thing you see when you open up 1805 French Empire, a strategy game in which you command the sexy French army and their cute little horses against, you know, a palette-swapped army clad in red with their own cute little horses. Aww.

The boys, in the field.

The text pre-amble that comes before each level in this game is remarkably rudimentary. There is a lack of flair to this game. We are just here to straightforwardly direct our guys. There is some music, but it's that typical Java music that just plays in brief moments and has a very non-notable sort of melody. It reminds one of the arcade, in a way. Those simple interludes of sound that let you know that Pac-Man is alive and well. And boy, is he.

Cool.

I do really like the pixel art here. There's something just right about these little men and their little horses. It reminds me of the tin soldier display room at the Musée de l'Armée in Paris. 

The men, on display.

The levels themselves are satisfying. You blast some guys, and that's all you could really want. I really like the way some of the men and their horses appear in the black space outside the game, on occasion. They're hanging out. They become spectators in the void, waiting for their turn to get blasted.

It is, perhaps, a bit awkward to control an isometric strategy game with the on-screen numpad controls. My heart wants to tap the tile on my screen, but that's not how we play this. Something about this format in particular means that I keep forgetting. But that's why a real, committed gamer trains hard. To win the war.

Ultimately, this is a nice little game, and I am enamoured by the horses. The men will also often say, "oui, d'accord" when you give them a command, which is just nice to hear. Thanks boys. 

Congratulate Me For Reading Books

I've already read 12 books this year, and they are as follows:

1. Founding Brothers: The Revolutionary Generation - Joseph J. Ellis | ★★★★☆
2. Les Misérables - Victor Hugo | ★★★★☆
3. The Pearl - John Steinbeck | ★★★★★
4. Hollow Inside - Asako Otani | ★★★★☆
5. Hamnet - Maggie O'Farrell | ★★☆☆☆
6. Half His Age - Jennette McCurdy | ★★★★☆
7. John Paul Jones' Memoir of the American Revolution: Presented to King Louis XVI of France - Translated by Gerard W. Gawalt | ★☆☆☆☆
8. Carrie - Stephen King | ★★★★☆
9. Freaky Friday - Mary Rodgers | ★★★★☆
10. Wuthering Heights - Emily Brontë | ★★★☆☆
11. Elvis & Me - Priscilla Beaulieu Presley | ★★★☆☆
12. Softly, As I Leave You: Life After Elvis - Priscilla Beaulieu Presley | ★☆☆☆☆

I feel incredible. This is probably what a bear feels like after catching its first salmon. That's just how good it feels to read books, baby!

The year started with a string of incredible bangers. There was an unexpected lyrical beauty to Founding Brothers, my first book of the year, which focuses in on a tiny selection of Political Moments in sumptuous detail. I felt a tear forming in my eye while reading this book. It did something to me. I know exactly how Lin-Manuel Miranda must've felt writing Hamilton.

Then, of course, the masterwork, Les Mis, was finally completed by me. At times, reading that veritable tome felt like a challenge bestowed on me by a giant atop a hill who would eat my bones if I failed. It's a dense creature that chips at your memory and makes you sleepy, but the highs are high, and the miseries made all the more effective by enduring essays on Napoleonic conflicts. Also, Victor Hugo's essays become deeply addictive and cause this book to essentially be littered with surprises. It's a sort of pass-the-parcel of a book. So dense and so emblematic of the 19th century novel. Loved it.

These two, followed by John Steinbeck's sensational short story The Pearl, and Asako Otani's wry and unique Hollow Inside, were a huge catalyst. The Pearl is easily my favourite book of the year so far (and the only library book on this list).

Last year, I read 13 books total. I am about to smash the record. Where is my medal? 

Reviewing J2ME Games: 1100 A.D. Battle of Legends

1100 AD is a beautiful game. There is an incredible aesthetic and some powerful music that lets you know that this is serious.

The blokes.

It's a game about men. You can choose from a roster of different guys (I chose to be Johnny Linger, because I believed that was the funniest name), all representative of different tough boy cultures, and then you are tasked with beating the shit out of the other three.

Before the carnage begins, we get a little bit of intro text. This tells us that we are essentially at the final battle to determine who is the most badass soldier in the land. I think it’s kind of iconic to begin the game after some huge whittling down of strongmen. We’re not starting out as a rookie and punching our way to the top through fight after gruelling fight, we just have to kill three guys.

I killed them all and rolled credits in about five minutes. I proved myself to be the strongest warrior and succeeded in every step of the challenge. Yay!

This incredible fast pace, combined with the beauty of button mashing, perfectly suited to the Java format, creates an exhilarating experience. Speeding through this is a joy, although of course, it would be nice if there was more to it.

Probably the best Java game I’ve played thus far (aside from Gameloft’s fabulous Shrek platformers).

Reviewing J2ME Games: 09 Formula Extreme

When you see the images of 09 Formula Extreme's car driving through rainy streets peppered with palm trees, you might not think it looks impressive, but the feel of this thing is powerful. There are gorgeously layered synth tracks throughout that immediately put you in the driving spirit, and the wonder of this game is that it uses your phone's gyroscope to control the steering. It feels amazing.

That is, until you realise that turning your phone too haphazardly also rotates the game entirely, which can cause horrible sudden stopping, when all you wanted was to make that steep turn.

Because of this, the game has a wonderfully conflicted feel. At first, the smoothness of the controls feel incredible. There's a succinct tutorial level which runs you through the basics, and it feels much more sophisticated, bright, and exciting than a lot of Java games.

The text is pleasantly blue, the colour of great calm, and you are invited to participate in the "Season 2009 mode", where you can choose from a selection of legally distinct versions of real racing teams to join. I chose 'Rad Bull', which is surely short for 'Radical Feminist Bull', but let it be known: there is something so beautiful about 'Henda' to me. 

Unfortunately, I came dead last. The screen-turning problem became much more prominent out of the tutorial, and so I lost control. I have to blame the game for allowing such dark things to happen in game while requiring gyro precision, but there is something about this humiliation that makes want to play again, to best the racetrack, sudden ninety degree screenturn or no sudden ninety degree screenturn. 

Tragic.

There is a remarkable attention to detail here, and none of the amateur charm and glitched-out scuffs I've come to expect from Java games. Perhaps there is more sophistication in the medium than we thought possible... 

The Labubu's Gaze

I have a bodyless labubu dangling from my bag, a counterfeit head that detached itself immediately on exit from its plastic wrapper womb maybe a year ago.  

On that day I had watched videos about how labubus were a harrowing consumerist icon in a way that seemed mostly undistinct from other toys and trinkets, and I became gleeful and insane at the prospect of opening up my own false labube. 

Her head accompanies me and bobs wildly as I walk, through warm parks with a thousand dogs, to the restaurant where I had fish and beer as advertised on an angler fish themed sandwich board (though my fish of choice was tuna). She is a special freak, speeding through the world. Seeing it all with those maniacal labubu eyes.

The expression of the labubu is her greatest asset. One eternal, angry gaze. Today, she watched me slap ketchup out of a glass bottle expertly. No squeeze, just sharp slaps on the flat bottom. I felt powerful in that moment. And the labubu head surely felt it. 

'Hey! Pikmin' is an Odd Pikmin Game

I've been thinking a lot about the beautiful joys of the 3DS, as one must, and I decided that yes, I must again commit to regular 3DS time. This is my duty. This is important. 

So, this week I have been playing Hey! Pikmin, a game released startlingly late into the console's life, in 2017. Yes. And it doesn't use the 3D, which personally hurts my feelings, because I do earnestly love the 3DS's 3D. Sometimes I play games with the 3D on. The 3D is for me, and I very much appreciate it.

Members of the Pikmin subreddit have called this game "okay" and "boring" and this is about the right assessment, I think.

Worldly-Trade-2846 weighs in.

The transition from neat little 3D environments - where you could clump several Pikmin together and accidentally drown them in a small patch of water and stuff like that - to a Rayman-style 2D platformer outing feels awkward. It's hard to pinpoint what makes a game feel distinctly like a mobile game, but there is a sort of feeling of stillness about Hey! Pikmin that, combined with a sort of zoomed-out and uncharming art style, really makes me think of unpleasant games I could play on my phone.

It's also because the gameplay feels samey very quickly. You slowly walk to the next leafy area. You blow your whistle to alert the tiny red men. You wait for them to bring you whatever item they have. By now, you're sleepy. And that's the essense of "game on phone". This questionable Pikmin game has that essence.

My beautiful drawing of a snooty Olimar.

But not everything mobile game-y is bad. I like, for example, the relatively simplistic, lightly puzzle-y traversal of the levels. They feel oddly frictionless, and so it can become slightly dream-like to press on with your Pikmin.

I also enjoy the humourous descriptions of all of your recovered relics. This is the most prominent characterisation in the game, and it's effective and delightful to read.

I am compelled by the Pikmin in this slightly off format, but at the same time, they tire me. I think I must lie down.