5 Solutions to the Heat Problem

It's hot out. I'm feeling like an insect floating in a scalding soup. I'm considering building that big dome that Mr Burns uses to block out the sun. There are, surely, worse ideas at this point. But you know what creative and beautiful geniuses do at times like these, don't you? They innovate.

So here are my proposals on how to fix the problem of it being too hot and sunny. Kier Starmer, leave a comment if you're interested in collaborating on any of these on a governmental level (I know you are reading my blog, Kier).

1. Inland Icebergs

Beautiful iceberg, photographed by Jason Auch.

We have icebergs in the world. Floating around, causing trouble in the sea, etc. I think: if they can wander around freely in the ocean, why not on land? We can perhaps entice the icebergs in with exciting tourist attractions. No discerning iceberg can resist going to Animal Crossing Land, which will be built in Stoke-on-Trent. And if the icebergs come here, other cold things will naturally follow.

2. Saying it's Cold

This is an option that might be challenging, depending on your personal willpower and imagination, but the idea is just to say things like "brrr it's cold!" and "I'm freezing". The power of the mind is strong, and many people can convinces themselves of almost anything, so I think it's worth a shot. Let's try it now. Wow, isn't it chilly?

3. The David Blaine Ice Block

David Blaine, the magician man, famously put himself in a big block of ice for a while. Why don't we all just do that? It would have the added benefit of looking really cool and alien - everyone in their shiny new ice block. Plus, everyone you hate would be encased in an ice block. This could be good for us.

4. Get in the Fridge

Honestly, let's just get in the fridge. This is similar to the ice block idea, except we'd be comforted by having various yummy foods for company. A more humble approach, although somewhat limited by the size of the fridge. Small people will get more mileage out of this one.

5. Stay in the Bath Forever

You, feeling excellent in that bath.

My last solution, and in some ways the most elegant, is that we can just stay in the bath. The bath is a wonderful thing, often taken for granted. I say: no more. Lets fill it up with freezing water straight from the tap and live life as wrinkled prune creatures. We came from the primordial soup, after all - so why not go back in?

***

Those are my five top solutions for now, but I will be workshopping these and perfecting them. Let me know if you have any solutions I might not have considered. And have an icy day! 

Snippets of an Old Journal

I was looking through an old journal today (from '23/'24), and I liked how I used different parts of it for different things. There was a stretch of pages devoted to keeping a travel diary (documenting my first trip to Japan), and then a few pages of pencil drawings of hands. I liked that it really felt like a sketchbook, that I had little care for the continuity of the entire book.

That often happens just because I take so long to finish one journal that there ends up being a progression into obvious shifts in focus, and I really like that disjointed feel. What I don't like is the way the pencil comes off on my hands (and on other pages) when I look through a journal filled with pencil drawings, but such is the nature of the devious pencil.

With no further ado, I present to you: some of my favourite spreads from this much-loved journal. A thing of beauty, sure, but more importantly, a thing of life. 

Movie Quests

I'm thinking about movie quests, at this moment. Small, achievable goals which allow me turn my movie-watching into a tickable to-do list. Because that's the sort of thing that makes any action into an incredible accomplishment. 

Jessie Buckley in The Bride!

Early in the year I posted about wanting to watch every Jessie Buckley movie (I'm only at 6 out of 35 - how embarrassing), and every David Lean movie (3 of 17). I haven't completed those beautiful goals, but I did watch one awful Jessie film (Fingernails - a Black Mirror style sci-fi romcom which had no idea how to flesh out its premise), and an amazing David Lean one (This Happy Breed - a drama spanning the gap between world wars, watch it here immediately). This is already enough to make having thought of these goals worthwhile, but I will have to get back into it and continue my gorgeous quest. It must be done.

Sexy old man, David Lean.

That said, I have a new one in mind. Sophie Thatcher. She has, as it turns out, not been in a huge amount of films yet. But she was in Companion, which I really enjoyed. A true "good for her" movie. 

There she is.

There's something charming about her, and I guess it was that first season of Yellowjackets that did it. She pulled me in. And I'm at 2 out of 14. This could be my chance. And then, who? Sidney Poitier, perhaps? Yeah. But he has 83 movies. I've seen ONE.

Well then. Only 82 to go.

I must quest. I have no choice.

The Bunny Approaches

Picture this. It's a sunny day with a light breeze. You're walking through a pleasant meadow, peppered with daisies. The distant buzzing of stray bees can be heard as they work their way through the flowers. And there's a lumpen creature, you notice. 

Here she is:

What will you do?

What will you do?

You will become her. 

Top 3 Elves

I finally missed a day of updating my blog! Sound the alarm, release the party poppers, ready the handcuffs. For yesterday, I did not post. What I did do though, was stream some Morrowind. And it was incredible.

It's my first time playing the game, and while I've played tons of Skyrim and Oblivion before, and so know the rough shape of Elder Scrolls living, this is a different beast I am yet to know. What struck me most, immediately, was the incredible elf choices available. 

Peter, this Reddit poster's Altmer mage.

Of course, the other games allow a lot of good elf choices of their own, but between the beautiful assembly of these polygonal, yet wonderfully realistic, faces, and the sheer emphasis on elf typing you're thrust into right away, I figured why not give you my initial ranking of the Morrowind elves? Yes, that's right. Forget all external elves for now. This is serious. 

Here is the third best elf:

3. WOOD ELF (BOSMER)

Menelras, a gorgeous wood elf.

Now, the wood elves are super normal. They don't have unusual skin colour, by human standards, and they're just chilling in the woods or whatever. It's good to have a relatively normal elf in the world, but they don't intrigue and delight me as much as a more otherwordly elf might, so I have to put them dead last. Sorry guys, your archery skills bore me. Get nastier. 

2. DARK ELF (DUNMER)

Giron, a beautiful dark elf.

These elves are hateful and sinister. They have glowing red eyes. They are undeniable gothic icons. It can't be denied that this is a great elf. They are absolutely committed to judging, and I think they all listen to Cradle of Filth. Unfortunately for them, when it comes to the ranking, there is a yet nastier type of elf.

1. HIGH ELF (ALTMER)

Eldafire, a stunning high elf.

Okay, so as you can already tell, the more snooty and insane an elf's culture is, the more I love them. These elves have the incredible combo of being bright yellow, and being mega racist. They're always talking about their superior genetics, meanwhile they're jaundiced as hell. They look like pee pee. That's awesome.

These elves are supremely pompous, and sure of their own perfection. I think Matt Groening probably saw these guys and new instantly that he had to make Simpsons. Yellowness, as we all surely know, is next to Godliness.

***

So that's my elf ranking. If you wish to debate me on it, I will listen sombrely. In the meantime, I will be streaming and meeting many more of these wonderful elves.

Baby: Unleashed

Would you like to see me as a baby? Yes? Great. Please observe and take notes on the following images. You may be tested at a later date.

It's always a bit comical to know that I, truthfully, was once a little tiny baby. This is the kind of information that seems inherently funny. Me? A fully grown adult? I was once a goo goo gaa gaa ass little baby with a neat blonde fuzz atop my tiny, foolish head? That's funny. And true.

Me and my mum.

I love remembering being a baby and/or toddler. There's not much in the way of solid memory there, but I do distinctly remember things, such as learning to read (the coolest thing ever, and it still feels that way), playing with my doll, Gabriella, or indeed, my very first concrete memory (Rik Mayall smacking Adrian Edmondson with a frying pan on TV).

And of course, scattered memories of my dad, who died when I was four, and so remains something of a nebulous character to me. But I do remember him.

It's also just generally very cool to look at these pictures and find them so helpful in recalling specific things, like items of furniture (the coffee table and oversized books in some of these pictures, for example), or THE GORILLA.

Yes, the all important gorilla. One cannot forget the gorilla of one's childhood. I'm sure you remember your gorilla. 

Halloween: The Game

Guys. There's a Halloween game for the Atari 2600. And it is iconically silly.

You play as a blonde girl with blinding white tights, and your task is to walk leisurely away from Michael Myers, who spawns after a few seconds on each screen and follows you as a scintillating 8-bit version of the Halloween theme plays. It's sort of... cute.

The game, you will immediately discover, is broken beyond belief. You can walk to the next screen and then return to despawn the man, and so you're never in any real danger of getting gotten. Your task is to meander around the map until you find a weapon, with which you can hit your frightening villain one single time to kill his ass and gain a few hundred points. Then he returns, and you must do the same thing once again. This is more or less the extent of the gameplay, and it is delectably stupid.

It's pretty rapidly dull, given that there is nothing to do but run circles around your sad, useless enemy - aside from escorting some random children to safety, or alternatively watching them be brutally slain (you're not punishing for leaving them to die) - but there is an incredible delight to this empty interpretation of the movie. There are sections with flickering lights that are fairly effectively scary - if I can't see him for a second, he actually maybe could possibly get me! But nah... he's never gonna get me.

It's so good.