The Woodchuck Question

I've been thinking about philosophy, and all of the great questions about life that we all love to ask, and I'd like now to answer one of the burning questions of our time: how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

First of all, it's important to know what a woodchuck is. It's the same thing as a groundhog, so perhaps we can look at one of the most famous groundhogs (maybe the most famous groundhog), Punxsutawney Phil, for our answer. This little freak was born in 1887, and maintains a freakishly long lifespan by imbibing a mystery juice that apparently extends his life (do not question this). So, realistically, if chucking wood is a part of his life, he has probably done quite a lot of it in that time.

Phil doing his thing, via groundhog.org.

But the shocking truth is that these creatures do not chuck wood, in any shape or form. They just don't do it. Even Punxutawney Phil. Fish and wildlife technician Richard Thomas took it upon himself to come up with a sort-of answer to this question anyway, substituting wood for dirt, a substance that is often displaced by groundhogs when they dig burrows in the ground (via BBC Science Focus).

An idiotic little baby, via the Wildlife Center of Virginia.

This genius claimed that groundhogs have "thick strong legs" (just like me), and did some calculations based on their average weight and the average size of their burrows to arrive at an estimate of 700 pounds of dirt displaced through the act of creating a beautiful home. We can safely assume they could shift roughly that amount of wood too, if they needed to. Maybe.

A proper bloke, by Dawn Scranton.

Supposedly, the name "woodchuck" is a sort of bastardisation of an Algonquin word, "wuchak", but this origin is a bit murky. In any case, the woodchuck isn't chucking any wood. But if it could, it would be a lot, probably.