KIM JONGHYUN & the peculiar space of living

It's strange, to say the least, to wake up and remember that one of your biggest idols and inspirations is gone. When something is so suddenly different it seems to take a while for it to sink in. You keep expecting to see them, and for it all to have been a dream. I'm in and out of this weird, unreal dream. Jonghyun can't really be gone, right?

Still from SHINee's '1 of 1' music video.

That's what I feel most of all, ebbing and flowing as I go about my day normally, but everything is coated in this strangeness. It makes me think of how everyone exists with this perception, no, this feeling, of their own lives. I see countless tributes, fans tweeting about trying to hold themselves together at work, others posting old videos and their favourite memories of him. There's this collective mourning, of course, but at the same time it's like everyone is drifting around on their own paths like moths in a dusty attic.

It all reminds me of how disconnected it's possible to be from others within a community, a culture, a family, etc. Sometimes I feel like I'm not real, or like no one can really perceive me. This is hard to explain, but I mean that since you truly only have your own consciousness, you are the only one that perceives yourself or that truly knows and feels yourself in that way. I am the only person who can be inside my own head and relating everything to myself. I think it would be easy to drop away from being present in the awareness of almost any other human being. Most people I'll ever meet or speak to will forget about me. How many people have already forgotten?

Now, I don't say this to be sad. I think we construct our own relationships with everything and everyone around us. It is up to us to make and maintain those relationships and our own perceptions of ourselves and links to the world around us. I hope expressing this strange feeling of being the lone person who is fully connected to myself doesn't come across as negative. To me it's just a facet of reality, and doesn't mean you're not deeply connected to others, but I guess it makes sense that this feeling of displacement is heightened after a shocking loss.

Living really is a strange thing, and I feel like I am in a strange place in the aftermath of Jonghyun's death. I still have an endless hope directed towards self-improvement. I want to do my best, whatever kind of space I occupy in this world and in my own head. I'll try my best, for Jonghyun.