Who is the Sexiest Pokémon?

Many fools have pondered the question, but I am here to finally answer definitively: Who is the sexiest Pokémon?

Now, I know which one comes to mind first. Obviously, it's Rapidash. That's a lithe, strong horse who is literally on fire. And she feels nothing. Very cool. Very alluring to all the fire-lovers in the audience. But ultimately, she's just a wonderful woman who needs to be left alone in her field. She's a single mother and she's not afraid to burn down the whole barn if she doesn't get her salt lick. She's a mysterious figure, yes, but she's honestly too normal, and perhaps parodoxically, too elegant for this title.

A common pick that the clamouring crowd looks to is Electabuzz. While I do understand this - he's stern and a little bit volatile, but also scrappy and hardworking - the truth of the matter is that he is a bit ugly. Like, I'm sorry Electabuzz, but you are not a serious being when it comes down to it. Yes, this guy can kill a child instantly by looking at it, and that appeals to many, but he looks like he's standing in front of the beer fridge in Tesco, indecisive because he's already had a little bit of a friend's joint about fifteen minutes ago.

Some people with eclectic tastes cite Klefki, the haunted key Pokémon, and while sure, haunted keys jangling about do betray a certain unpredictable, spooky delight, quite frankly this Pokémon is far too employed to really climb up the ladder of sexiness. Like, some Pokémon are too unemployed (Electabuzz), but Klefki has the opposite problem. I can't relax around a Klefki, because I know that thing needs to run off and unlock the basement any moment now. It's on call to lock up. And that just makes it hard to relax.

Girafarig is close to the top. Long, elegant, gorgeous neck, and a beautiful dappled pattern adorning its graceful body give it an incredible serenity and unique appeal. And then, oh my God, a weird dark tail with TEETH that BITE. It's scary, and yet you know that Girafarig will treat you well, bring you an excellent wine to taste with its home-cooked, delicately seasoned dinner. Great. But there's one Pokémon that knocks this demonic giraffe off the podium.

Regirock. It's Regirock. The very picture of masculinity. Stoic and hard all over. No-one can reach him. No one dares. This is the sexiest Pokémon, as voted for by one thousand of Northumberland's top midwives (Gornguss et al, 2017).

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Well folks, there you have it. And honestly, looking at this Regirock, I have to say - it's really cute.