Lilllllllllly

My name is flexible and sometimes feels like an alien in my brain. My friend at school used to spell Lilly with a different number of Ls each time to make fun of the constant battle between the single L and double L in other people's spellings. The correct formation for my name, the double L, always felt inherently right to me because somehow a double letter feels comfy, like a cushion in your name. Okay, that sounds really weird, but it's a serious and strong feeling I have. Double L forever.

As a little kid I was always a Lil, like I usually am now. Once my year three teacher told me off in one hell of a blusteringly angry way and he called me by my full name, but he still said Lil, and it felt so deeply wrong that I didn't want to be called Lil any more. So the next year, when I went to middle school aged nine, I was Lilly. I remember someone there calling me lilypad, and occasionally I was called Lilt (like the drink).

At high school I decided to be really grown up and be a Lillian for once. The process of indecision was in full swing. I flopped around between Lillian and Lilly for years (and introduced a Lilli variation for a while) and then in 2012 I decided, finally, to go back to Lil. It seems like I've just gone in a big circle, but I feel like I've learned the ins and outs of each variation, and now I'm not just a Lil, but I am each of my names all at once.