Uneditable

Here's an angsty diary entry I typed into a draft a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling a bit confused and overwhelmed.

Dear Diary,
I am sleepy. Every noise sounds like a yawn, inviting me - no, compelling me, to also yawn. And then sleep. Forever. Yep, thanks. It disturbs me that our actions are permanent. Everything I do will be a part of me forever. Every experience and decision and memory will shape my life. Memories endlessly triggered by everyday objects and events repeated ad nauseum by family and friends, because everyone I know knows me, knows parts of me and versions of me from different times. And because people and things and places hold those parts of me inside them, it reminds me, makes me realise that everything has a deep permanence. Any seemingly innocuous thing can be immortalised. The world and collective consciousness, it's all holistic. My existence in every part and piece of a moment is part of everything I have touched. There is no way to scrub out parts. I am permanent and uneditable. My existence bleeds through everything I've touched. There are no mistakes, there is nothing forgotten and no skeletons in the closet - because the skeletons are in everything, looming and laughing inside every mug of tea, soaked in the blood of everyone I've ever met and known, undead and haunting every heart.

C O L L E C T I V E  M E M O R Y /// HOLISTIC SELVES (kept alive by transferred consciousness/memory/experience)

I just want to be a simple blade of grass. 

I looked at it again after some time had passed and I started thinking about this whole concept and how maybe it can be freeing instead of scary.

I guess the only way to really deal with it is to to accept and ignore it all. Everything. Nothing matters. I am just here. I hate advising "don't think about it" as if you can control your thoughts and fixations, but to be honest I think I'm starting to understand that. Sometimes even if you can't, really, your only option is "don't think about it". And I don't think that always means repression, but honestly just knowing that certain things don't deserve your time or attention. The internet makes distraction very achievable. Googling for some puppy photos is a good distraction.

"I am permanent and uneditable" can be a statement of despair or a statement of defiance.