I Make Mistakes

Perceptions are really weird, like, the key to doing all number of things is your perceptions and feelings and actions all as a sequence. It's annoying how wrong things happen automatically when deep down in your brain you know the correct thoughts and feelings and behaviours but your hormones are getting in the way of that. I don't want to get into specifics because this is about a lot of things across a big chunk of life lived, but it's weird and kinda gross to look back on past mistakes and ideas and things and to see exactly what the sensible option would have been, because my perception isn't clouded for those memories. Like when I was 10 and cried because I was only given a tiny bit part in the school play. It didn't matter, and it also didn't matter that I was upset. It was fine to be upset. All of it was fine. And yet I remember how much that hurt.

me attacking my grandfather as a youth

I've been thinking about past and memories. All of the sad and negative moments, all sparkling like shards of glass left after an accident. In the past, I held mistakes really close to my heart and always felt awful for them, sometimes even tiny ones. I'm a lot easier on myself now, but sometimes I still struggle to stop myself from clinging on to things I've done wrong. I used to pretty obsessively believe and fear that I was harming people by, well, existing. I spent so much energy worrying about it and feeling like every single thing I did was wrong. I can't tell you when this started, because I can't remember anything about a time before it was a thing, but I can tell you that I improved in bursts and stretches largely between the ages of 15 and 19. After that I was much, much better, but remnants were still there, and are still there (still decreasing bit by bit by bit).

me being absolutely THE WORST at Twister

Of course, I still made mistakes during and after that time, and I still found myself struggling to accept the reality of things that had happened because I wasn't always able to control/influence/alter my perception of and response to them and view things logically. And it's okay if I'm not completely mentally healthy all the time, because that's an inevitable part of being a person, but I am a lot better these days and I can see that mistakes and problems don't have to condemn me to total punishment. I am trying to encourage myself to be more and more rational and understanding with myself, because everyone screws up. If I can recognise a mistake, that is enough. I'm not going to let my feelings hold me hostage. I am a complex person, not the fairy tale expectation being written over in my brain. Who needs a fairy tale like that when you can have real life, and the smell of petrichor, and the creases in your duvet, and that particular frown you made on first seeing this year's UK Eurovision entry?