Recycling Yourself

I always feel like I am strangely looping around back into myself, like a series of ghosts reinhabiting my body, or a car lapping itself and looping time simeltaneously, absorbing itself again and again at the finish line. It's weird because of course time usually feels pretty linear. I'm walking along one single, straight thread of my life, but them sometimes it feels like I'm halfway around a rollercoaster loop in that thread and I pass over an old self. I feel like ten sheets of tracing paper layered on top of each other, with a person drawn on each sheet.

I dunno, there are plenty of metaphors for this feeling, so I should probably stop getting distracted trying to find the best one (even though comparing metaphors like this is my favourite thing). The point is, I'm looping. I'm in this perpetual process of being recycled as a human being. Some stuff gets reconstituted and some stuff doesn't. One day I hope to be a pencil or a hairbrush, but right now each form is always person-shaped.

It's good, because I get to be new, and that's fun, but I also get to be old, and rediscover all these things that I am and have been, and be them again, or better versions of them. I'm pretty surrounded by myself, so it's good for that atmosphere to change. It's refreshing. But who will I be next? What will move? What will stay?

I just want to see a difference in myself, and I do, and that's good. I feel like I am lying in a big cardboard box and I need to drink a lot of water. I feel like I need to go to the woods and eat a cake. I have the weirdest bodily feeling and I just want to talk and talk until I fall asleep mid-sentence. I want to sit in front of a fire and wear big socks (actually, I am wearing big socks at the moment), or maybe hold a sparkler. Just simple, nice things. I feel like I have too many thoughts and I want to stare at a relaxing flame and bask in its warmth. I think I need to eat a lot of large vegetables. Stuffed mushrooms and potato salad.