Sometimes I can't sleep at night because my brain decides it's a good time to roll out the slideshow of Lil's perceived failures, and sometimes I don't even know how to combat that because it's a sneaky surprise attack - a gift box of pointless embarrassment when I was expecting a nice dream about ponies frolicking in the fields.
So in response to this unpleasant phenomenon, I'm going to aggressively list the things I'm most happy to have done and experienced across my life. Here goes.
1. Played in a football tournament aged eight.
When I was a kid I really liked football. I was never a fan of watching it (I couldn't understand why I should support England or care what they did in any way just because I happen to be in the country that is also called England), but I enjoyed playing. I was never really competitive with sports and just liked playing the game. I was okay skills-wise at football and usually played midfield or something vaguely resembling that, and this tournament was a round of matches between local first schools.
I had recently changed schools, so my first year was also my last year at my second first school, and I missed my friends from the old school. I got the surprise of my life when I found out that the participating team from my old school had two of my best friends on it, and we ran towards each other like a pack of dogs reuniting. We were probably also yelping excitedly. I don't remember how my team did in the tournament, but it was fun.
2. Started this blog.
I wrote my first post here in 2012 because I had been wandering around a shopping centre looking at kids' magazines and trying on clothes. I wanted to record the small things that I enjoyed in that kind of a setting so that I could look back on specific moments I would otherwise forget. I guess at the time I didn't really have other avenues to express my thoughts and feelings, so I relished getting to keep any kind of diary that could almost act as another person and friend, and maybe be seen by other people.
It was therapeutic and expressive from the outset and I needed something like it to be my creative and personal pensieve, looking back. I know more people are reading my blog posts now, but it still feels more or less the same. It's a home for me and my thoughts.
3. Changed how I thought.
I think so many of the positive events, changes, and times in my life have been due to actively willing myself to think differently or really deconstructing how and why I do, think, and feel things. Even with simple enough things like looking in my wardrobe and asking myself why I am keeping each item, it has really helped me to be present and understand what drives my decisions and emotions. From that I can figure out what is the most beneficial way to look at something. I could complain about something I don't like about myself forever, or I could take time to concentrate on what I like instead. Stuff like that.
4. Met Bill Bailey.
I met Bill Bailey after a show once and we talked about how great Gary Numan is. It was nice. This is such an incidental thing, but it makes me happy.
5. Iceland.
This is actually more of a placeholder for all the holidays I've taken, but Iceland was the most recent one, and was a 'bucket list' kind of place I wanted to go, so I'm especially happy about it, even though it was one of my more challenging holidays. One day I'm gonna go to Tokyo, and it will be the ultimate, and after that there will be no specific travel goals or dreams and going anywhere will be perfect (I mean, going anywhere is already perfect, but after Japan I think I'll feel like the whole world is my place).
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These are the first five things I thought of and are by no means exhaustive, because there are a thousand tiny things that are also the best, like eating a good meal, meeting a cat, or reading an amazing book for the first/second/fifteenth time. The point is, there's good. I'll sit and chant that to myself in front of a string of candles. There's good, there's good, there's good.
