100% True Facts About People Based On Their Birth Months

We all know that the month we were born can accurately divine such secrets about our personalities such as how much we crave Doritos and which Power Ranger we would be if we were Power Rangers, but most of us go about our lives in total ignorance of all the knowledge of the months as they relate to us. That's fine, but if you are doing a bit of desperate soul searching or wish to suss out whether the object of your affections is someone with whom you have a compatible personality, I have put together a handy guide to expose the secrets of the babies of each month of the year. Use this incredible knowledge with caution.

January babies:

• hate happiness
• love tormenting insects
• keep a picture of Jeremy Kyle in their wallet because they are secretly in love with him and need to keep his image close
• into smelling lavender and crying
• complicated feelings about cheese

February babies:

• 72% chance they are thinking about Patrick Stump right now
• they know the secret thing that you did and they are judging you
• cannot ever remember how to play a card game
• itchy for no reason
• are convinced they are related to trees on some level

March babies:

• are sorry about that time they did a thing that you didn't even notice
• spend a thousand years in the museum even if you are begging them to leave
• make superior spreadsheets
• do the most terrible dancing you will ever see
• love grinning

April babies:

• hate you
• hate everyone who isn't giving them a bottle of wine
• hate wine
• offended by the existence of clouds
• have a lot of restless dreams about losing things and being lost

May babies:

• are huge fans of frowning
• angry
• try their best
• try to assimilate themselves into animal communities
• secretly hate knees

June babies:

• are partially constructed of sunlight
• do not like when you do that thing
• do like potatoes
• have at least once semi-seriously considered starting a society about potatoes
• wonder what it would be like if colours didn't exist

July babies:

• are secretive about a very specific thing (I can't tell you what)
• love fire
• have looked at the sea at least one time
• have considered joining the circus
• cannot understand why chewing gum exists

August babies:

• invented love
• fancy Santa Claus
• eat chips
• feel some kind of way
• mildly desire to turn into a bear

September babies:

• get grumpy when they're cold
• do not allow cats to get what they want
• annoy babies
• are grossed out easily
• cannot stop themselves from weeping at a beautiful sunset

October babies:

• bad
• are very spooky
• eat seven pumpkins a day
• are married to pumpkins
• pumpkin

November babies:

• healthy scepticism when talking to dogs
• distrust authority
• win Scrabble every time
• are definitely evil on some level
• eat sunlight

December babies:

• hold a grudge against Christmas
• will make fun of you relentlessly
• are good at running away from their problems
• can't stop thinking about ducks
• never breathe