15 Reasons Cats Should Be Avoided At All Times

Sure, cats are all fuzzy and cute and adorable when they are entangled in a plastic bag or whatever, but there are many reasons to shun them. Here is a comprehensive list of compelling examples.

1. They come into my house. They criticise my cooking.
2. NO appreciation for Joy Division.
3. The endless anguished howling until they smell a food.
4. Claws. Everywhere. Pain.
5. They refuse to discuss philosophy with me. Rude.
6. No object permanence.
7. No respect for personal space.
8. They wilfully knock everything on the floor, like excuse me Mr Cuddlesworth, can you stop with this passive aggressive destruction of my possessions? Thanks.
9. They will let the worst people stroke them.
10. I'm pretty sure it's not a coincidence when a cat starts purring right after I fall over. I see you, cat. I see you.
11. They undermine my authority. I said NOT to eat that Barbie doll leg, Sarah! Unbelievable.
12. I am pretty sure they are snickering at my interpretive dance choreography and I don't need that lack of support and outright hostility in my life when I'm just trying to express myself.
13. Unimpressed by my comedy routines.
14. They like all the films I hate and hate all the films I like.
15. A cat ate some of my sandwich ten years ago and I'm still bitter about it.

I hope I have made it extremely clear that cats must be stopped.