How To Be A Great Artist

Listen buddy, I have gathered all the art secrets here just for you. Please stop crying into your sketchbook for a moment, because it's all going to be okay after you read these top tips and become a super motivated, accomplished, and perpetually grinning mega-artist. I found all these tips on some stone slabs in a secluded cave near the top of a mountain, and now I am passing them on to you. 

Here they are:

1. You don't have to ever draw the second eye, okay? Eye patches for everyone. You know Harry Styles would look better with an eye patch. And of course there's Undyne. Or you know what? Draw a cylops. Problem solved.
2. Similarly, you can skip things that anger you. Instead of flipping your desk into the air and snapping your pencils in half in a fit of rage, just ignore the fact that elbows exist. Banish elbows from your art dimension and draw everyone with wobbly jelly hands. That's what they deserve.
3. Sometimes you gotta just slop your materials onto a page. You gotta learn to appreciate the blob. It's a beautiful form, and I would argue the fundamental artistic shape. Precision is one thing, but don't underestimate the necessity of vague blobs either. Open your brand new, intimidating sketchbook and just throw a paint blob in there. This paint blob will be your new mascot. Your friend to cheer you on. Respect your guardian blob.
4. Appreciate shapes and textures and colours alone. Even a universe is made of tiny components. The world wouldn't be the world without each tiny little piece of dirt. You need to love dirt. Gather a jar of dirt and display it in your room to remind you of how important and glorious dirt is, and thus shapes and lines and stuff too.
5. Find your niche. Draw hundreds of charcoal portraits of Guy Fieri. Just do it. Then you'll be really good at that and probably well known for your very specific artwork.
6. Don't underestimate the power of weird and initially unappealing materials either. You can draw with sticks, use gel pens, food colouring, or almost anything. Just rub a potato on a piece of paper and congratulations, you've made art. Not very visible art, in that case, but still.
7. Most people don't remember this, but if you have ever touched a crayon even once as a child, you get a 6ft trophy that officially proffers the title of artist upon your young self. These trophies are sent by the government, and most children don't remember them because when you're very young things that are too cool for your little brain get forgotten. But you definitely already got that trophy, so don't be shy about being an artist. You already are.
8. Ringo Starr is the greatest artist of all time and you should take inspiration from his MSPaint drawings. They are sensational.
9. Cry. Ignore that thing I said earlier about not crying into your sketchbook and cry into your sketchbook. Forever. Or until the kettle boils.
10. Okay now stop crying and start laughing. Laugh for hours while you paint smiling puppies, until you are surrounded completely by the puppy paintings.

I hope this advice has been helpful and good. If not, please blame the mountain instead of me. Good luck. And please email me a puppy painting if you make one.