10 Secrets I Keep In My Hair

My hair is getting long and scary. I mean, it's almost long enough to be its own movie villain at this point. As we all know, hair gets longer when you add secrets to it. You're probably wondering what secrets I keep in there. And as an exercise of honesty, I'm going to tell you. Please don't laugh.

1. I'm half spider. Yes, that's right, my dad was a spider. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I was born with only two legs. This was probably a relief to everyone.
2. I have three tiny children in there. They are named Geraldine, Milk, and Leg. They have good lives despite their close living quarters.
3. I cried once. I know, I know, this is a particularly shocking secret. It's hard for me to admit, but I know I can count on you not to judge me.
4. I used to be a famous ear model until I grew my hair and changed my identity. This is the reason you've never seen my ears, because you would recognise them immediately and beg for my eartograph. That life is behind me now.
5. I've never seen a dog. I have no idea what they look like or whether or not they're into experimental 1970s electro pop.
6. I have two butts. I know, I hide it really well.
7. One time I psychologically damaged a pineapple by calling it "spiky". This was insensitive and cruel of me. I've regretted it ever since.
8. I'm allergic to the internet. Every time I post something online I break out in hives. If I stay on a webpage for too long I risk hospitalisation.
9. I get intensely jealous of spaghetti. I know spaghetti has worked hard for its success, but I resent how far ahead of me it is. I wish I was as accomplished as spaghetti.
10. Mario from Mario Bros. fame is my husband. We have a passion the likes of which I've never seen elsewhere. The way he traverses pipes fills me with enduring love. I hope a plant with teeth never eats him.

Ah, that feels much better. I'm glad I was able to get these secrets off my chest (and out of my hair). I hope I haven't ruined my reputation with these shocking admissions. I'm going to have to add some more secrets to my hair soon so that it keeps growing, but it's good to remove some old secrets. That's just basic haircare.