Your Cat's Thoughts: Decoded

I haven't yet told you that I'm a cat whisperer. I didn't want you to be too jealous of my talents, you see, but now I realise that I can help many people with my cat divining talents, so that's what I'm going to do.

Many of us have tumultuous and confusing relationships with cats. "Why are they running back and forth through the whole house?" we ask, not realising that this is actually a religious practice to honour tails, dating back to 590BC. Cat-human misunderstandings are rife, but basically I know what cats are thinking all the time, so for all cat owners reading this right now, here is what your cat is thinking at this very moment, all at once:

• Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahaha.
• Wow what's that smell? Oh, it's me.
• I love to claw this SOFA.
• My sense of smell tells me that my owner is looking at a picture of Nicolas Cage online again.
• OH NO ANOTHER GHOST IS IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM!
• Hmmm... is this food?
• AHHHHHH WHAT'S THAT?! Oh, it's a table.
• Is THIS food?
• I wish I could be stroked by Britney Spears.
• I love myself .
• I'm amazing and beautiful and HUNGRY!
• This is 100% food.
• Am I food?
• I'm an artist.
• I am going to eat this laptop charger because it looks delicious.
• AHHHHHH WHAT'S THAT?! Oh, it's my tail.

Now that you have read your cat's thoughts, I hope you will have an understanding and pleasant relationship with your furry friend henceforth. Good luck. And if in doubt, give your cat an exciting cardboard box, or as it is known to cats, a "mansion of delights".