YouTubing Is Weird

I've decided to try a bit more of a daily vlogging approach to my YouTube channel. It seemed to make sense considering I'd just jumped right back into daily blog posts again - why not try a bit of an extra push for my YouTube channel as well? So I've been making some much more casual, personal, and lengthy vlogs for the past week or so, and it's brought all the strangeness of vlogging to my mind again.

A recent YouTube thumbnail of mine.

I always get into a kind of lull with YouTube - a psychological place in which I'm partly running on auto-pilot but partly feeling these tiny nerves somewhere about exactly what about myself that I'm setting free in video form. Do I come across as uncomfortable? Too dorky? Boring? It's an odd kind of insecurity framed by a camera lens. We're all vulnerable to some degree in our relationships, communications, and personas, but posting videos of yourself online brings with it a unique representation of your insecurities.

I try to be an overall positive person online, because I think that's the kindest thing for others, but also because I know it's what is most beneficial to myself. That's probably one of my biggest concerns when making videos - that they're positive, hopefully pleasant, hopefully at least a bit cute or creative.

It's all a whirlwind of frames and sounds and movements. There's a little bit of unpredictability nestled inside somewhere, and I guess that's a big part of what attracts people to YouTube. There's an organic quality about vlogs, however calculated they might be - a feeling of watching a home video and capsule of someone's existence. Maybe that's why I can watch someone sift through their perfume collection for a full thirty minutes and feel enriched and contented at the end.

For me it's this constant exploration of what exactly a video diary is, and what exactly I am that keeps me feeling excited to make vlogs. It feels very real, yet with an ethereal curtain over the top. A lace veil hanging over me. At the same time, it's hyper-real. Where else would I share my minute movement and mannerisms, my thoughts as told right from my face? The format communicates them like nothing else.

And I'm so interested in how I think about myself. How I organise my footage into a cohesive video is so intertwined with how I feel about myself and my personality. It's such an interesting avenue for seeing yourself. I can see how it's so easy to escalate your self-criticism if you're a YouTuber. You have to become familiar with your appearance and mannerisms to a greater degree than many people through the video editing process. That's why I think it's really healthy to take breaks from editing footage of yourself, but also, for me I think it's really healthy and useful to come back reinvigorated and ready to make videos and look at myself again and know who I am. That's what I like so much about YouTube, as an exercise in introspection and in knowing myself well it's really helpful to me and my personal development.

So I guess I'll make another video.