After Everything: SHINee Forever

One thing I love about having this blog is that sometimes when I really want to express something but have nowhere obvious to put it, or when I really feel the need to go on for several paragraphs, I can just come here and type out all my thoughts on whatever I'm thinking about. It's really therapeutic, and often helps me to figure something out or position my thoughts in a helpful way.

Today I wanted to talk about how I'm feeling as a shawol (that's the collective term for SHINee fans for anyone unfamiliar, a portmanteau of 'SHINee World') after everything. Fair warning for content regarding death and grief in this post.

Jonghyun /// SHINee performing ‘Prism’, 15th October 2016.

For a while after Jonghyun's death I was in shock. First it didn't feel real. I kept having dreams about the other members, doing nice things with them. Eating with them. It didn't really stop feeling unreal, but it started to feel heavier, I think, and then I found myself not looking at SHINee stuff any more. I stopped thinking about it and them. I started focusing on creative stuff more, and other things in my life. I paid more attention to my blog. I didn't listen to SHINee songs and partially avoided them. I didn't quite realise while I was doing this that it was because it was painful to think of them. I knew I was sad about what happened, and worried about them, but it's hard to fully grasp what you're feeling in this kind of situation. Everything feels so much bigger than you. I pinned a picture of Jonghyun holding flowers to my pinboard and concentrated on other things.

That was pretty much how it was until the beginning of March. I started looking through Tumblr a bit more, and I guess I forgot just how many SHINee blogs I was following, because scrolling down my dashboard I saw a lot of SHINee stuff. I still felt that sense of melancholy deep down in my chest looking at updates and old gifs and things, but I noticed I could also feel this bit of hope and pride seeing them again. A little light in the dark. And now I think I understand why they performed those concerts in February even though it seemed so soon.

Onew /// SHINee performing ‘Diamond Sky′ in Saitama, 11th April 2017.

Seeing them pay tribute and make gestures regarding Jonghyun, and especially seeing them be unafraid to cry during those performances, I know that means a lot to many shawols. Now that I'm looking more at them, and listening to SHINee songs again too, I realise it's what I need now. To keep on being a part of SHINee World. For over two months I needed to withdraw from their presence and be on my own in some way, without even realising that I was dealing with it during that time by resting, and I think now I need to come back. Maybe it's how they feel too - that they want to look at and remember Jonghyun, and come together in his memory, sure that they'll be SHINee always. Of course, I can't really speculate as to what Minho, Taemin, Key, and Onew truly want and need, but for me, seeing them again gives me hope somehow.

I don't know what things will be like in the future, and I know it won't ever be the same, but all those memories, all those videos, and all the heartfelt gestures of kindness from the members - I want to pour all of that directly into my heart. SHINee is five. SHINee is forever.