5 Favourite Songs | May 2018

This month has been a month of indulgent, darkened pop, and cathartic lone party anthems, primarily. Whatever that means. Well, join me, and perhaps find out what the hell I'm talking about.

1. Little Boots - Picture (ft. Lauren Flax)

This is a very nice combination of brooding, but also light and a bit floaty. Little Boots has come back with some really lovely, delicate new songs this month, and this one is a big favourite. Such nice pieces of repetition and echo. There's some noises that sound like mystical electronic ripples. It's so good. Something about this song makes me feel like I'm inside a hall of mirrors, and I love that feeling.

Links: YouTube | Spotify

2. Eleni Foureira - Fuego

Yes, of course I had to include the Eurovision song that will never leave my brain. It'll be there for the rest of my life. Not for one second will I be free. I accept this. It's a great song if you want to shout things down a high street at 3am after the pub has thrown you out, probably. Just ostentatious enough, and just dance-y enough. It has certainly got me... pelican fly fly flying. Yep.

Links: YouTube | Spotify

3. Betty Who - Make You Memories

What, an incredible synth pop banger? On my playlist? I know, a real shocker. I just love so much about this. It's such a great let go/feel good song. You could shed your whole identity to this song. Change your name and your hair to this song. I love small pieces of enunciation in here, like when she sings "we both know" - yeah, we do both know, that your voice is soft serve ice cream delightful. The image above is actually from 'Ignore Me', however, as there's sadly no video for 'Make You Memories'.

Links: YouTube | Spotify

4. Anteros - Drunk

This is such a bombastic song, and finally a dip into the rock pool. That sounded like I meant 'place where crabs live', but ok, anyway, the song itself feels like it could be drunk. It kinda lilts and stumbles, it's a little hazy, it's tentatively blissful but overall rough, and drives onwards with force and some nice, aggressive guitars.

Links: YouTube | Spotify

5. Hozier - Jackie And Wilson

Sort of in the vein of David Bowie's 'Kooks', this is such a gentle, happy go lucky love and life song with a nice bit of rock 'n' roll kick to it. Something uplifting and familial and great. A pure delight for drinking Pimms in the garden to. Such a nice song.

Links: YouTube | Spotify

♬

Yet again I have been listening to a lot of sort of party-friendly, cautiously brooding songs, and songs to listen to whilst walking through a field and looking lovingly at cows. That's a genre, please agree. Bonus mentions go to: "Crush" by David Archuleta, "Valentine (What's It Gonna Be)" by Rina Sawayama, and "Heart to Break" by Kim Petras.

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Red Stains

Here are some small friends hiding inside wine stains. Please take care of them. They're having a nice time.

I really like this shade of red and the pencil texture in white. Drawing stuff on stains also somehow feels very me, and it's quite relaxing.

Here's a bear:

My Favourite Film: Brief Encounter

I recently re-watched one of my favourite films, Brief Encounter, for the third time. I think that I'd actually go as far as to say that this is my favourite film now. Every time I watch it I feel like I'm seeing something different in it. Maybe it's because there have been large gaps between viewings, or maybe because I've been in pretty different life stages whilst watching it each time, but the thing that astonishes me about this film is the way the emotional depth catches me differently each time. It's like a kaleidoscope of emotive cinema.

I'm not sure how old I was when I first watched it. I'm pretty sure I was a teenager, idly watching Film4 in the day time, but I couldn't pinpoint it much further than that. Regardless of the details, I was a naive adolescent vaguely trying to make sense of my own fumbling humanity, and seeing this film for the first time shook me to my core. The exquisite exploration of secret pain gripped me like nothing had ever done before in a film, and watching Laura hopelessly and desperately struggle to cling on to her senses and her life, often wordlessly, felt incredible. It was like being cut open in the most mesmerising, distant way.

If any element of Brief Encounter stands out above the rest, it's probably the way expressions alone are used so well to communicate the turmoil of our protagonist. Watching Laura's grief-stricken face in so many generous close ups is like seeing into a friend's heart so totally and absolutely. The intimacy between Laura and the audience even in wider shots and shots involving other characters is so thick.

I think that whilst I couldn't relate to the direct plot of doomed and forbidden love as such as a teenager, it was the emotional intensity, the depth of connection and despair, the swirling, beating heart just under the floorboards of the entire production, that curled itself completely around me and drew me in. I like a lot of films, and I love some, but nothing comes close to how much I cherish this one, in all its closely detailed pain.

Somehow it's a film that feels like it will grow with me. Every time I watch it, it feels like there is something more there. Something that was hiding in the train station's shadows. Something washing under the bridge. The kaleidoscope shifts, and the train departs.

Magazine Collages: You Are Delicious

It's been a good while since I last made collages, but these enticing pieces of shiny pipe made me do it again. I'm not sure why I like the pipe so much, but I do. Don't question it.

Something about these was really satisfying to make. I think it's super easy when making collages to focus too hard and end up with a fuzzy headache because you've been staring way to intently at a cut out piece of an arm or something, but the trick is definitely to collage very lazily. Possibly while wearing a silk robe, with a wine glass full of apple juice at hand. Not that I made these collages with that set-up, but it's nice to have a gentle fantasy. Alternate me is always wearing a silk robe and pearl necklace, in my imagination.

I used an issue of Glamour, but also a Waitrose magazine which had a lot of food stuff in it. Something about cutting out pretty pictures of food is quite soothing. I love to look at mushrooms and various fruits. That's my therapy of choice. Obviously that was what I had my mind resting on when I added the text here, "you are delicious".

It's weird and great how the landscapes of mountains and hills and fields seem to go so well with what I'm now going to call the landscape of bread. Mmm... landscape of bread.

Diary: Being Very Online

It's been a little bit of a weird time lately since I first of all completely forgot about my diary for a few days, and then I got ill, which fried my brain as if it was an egg. Fortunately, the post-sickness clarity gave me some much-needed excitement and perspective on creative endeavours and, I don't know, life, so I have to thank the weird time for that. I feel an odd feeling of change looming in my chest, and I think it's because lately I've been in some kinda new and different social situations, and it's been really nice.

I spend a lot of time on relatively insular pursuits and activities, probably like a lot of creative people, but also like a lot of people in general, I'm realising. A lot of those insular things are great ways of expressing myself and also act as, paradoxically, a great way to share my innermost working, quirks and eccentricities, and winks and nudges with other people. But there's a distance to posting stuff online. It's not like you're sending it to specifically one person. It has a kind of passive feel to it, and in many ways is the opposite to intimate.

I mean, maybe a lot of people see a drawing of yours (or a text post poking fun at the language often used in avoiding crediting artists, for... example), and that's very cool, but I think it's very easy to have something like that online acting in place of meaningful relationships. Not that I'm complaining about people seeing/liking my stuff, because that is totally great and I love it a lot, but I guess being someone with any kind of audience online can bring some realisations and ruminations on what personal relationships and interactions online or offline even are and mean, and it's something I like thinking about a lot.

I've had some really nice moments and conversations with a few people in the past few months, and they've been influencing me to think a lot about this topic. I feel pretty inspired in various mysterious ways and I feel like I'm just learning now how to be a more earnest and genuine and meaningful friend to people, which is such a weird thing to say, but I don't know, your whole life is really just endless learning about who you are and who you can be, and I'm really excited about that, and I love other people so much. I'm a big fan of communicating (wow), and I think one of the greatest feelings in the world is when you see something and think of a friend.

Painting Without Looking

I thought I'd do some painting exercises with varying degrees of CHAOS here and try painting some stuff whilst not looking at it. It's really interesting to see what kind of forms your muscle memory can let you draw or paint when your eyes aren't leading. All of these paintings were made in slightly different conditions though. The bunny above was made by resting the paper on my tummy (whilst standing up) and painting there. This meant I could see relatively well, but had some distortion in terms of perspective. This one is probably my favourite, in terms of the result and also how fun it was to make.

This second one was painted with the paper held directly in front of my face. I painted on the side facing away from me. Functionally, this meant I could see what I was doing quite well, but it still had the challenge of being a sort of backwards painting.

This last one was painted on a piece of paper held above my head, so I really couldn't see what I was doing here and it shows. I did add the hat and face in at the end though. Stylish chaos.

Hearts & Sunsets

As I write this it's the golden hour that comes before sunset, and I love it because it's as if time stops for a bit. The golden light is like a reminder to take a breath, to relax, to take a moment to watch the swaying tree branches.

There's a weird kind of peace that comes with completing something. Finishing an essay or getting through an errand. That's why I like to keep periodic lists, perhaps even if I know I'll remember the items without one, because that concrete ticking off of list items just feels good.

And in a moment of serendipity I'm also listening to the song "I Know" by Aly & AJ, which has the relaxed lyric, "Who's really gonna care about tomorrow? It's gonna be fine" so pleasantly, hazily unfurled.

There's a lightness as well to this relaxed evening feeling that is so heightened by having accomplished something small. It's so nice to have done anything in the day, like scribbling for fun or cleaning up the kitchen a bit. We should all take time to sit with that feeling. It's the best.

My Paint Palette & The Universe

I thought I'd document my paint palette as it changes for a while, because it's so interesting and mesmerising how the paint blobs overlap and grow like an ever-expanding universe. So pretty but so inconsequential. I love it a lot.

Look at the colours and shapes flow and fold into each other. It's kinda comforting in a way. It's how everything works. Messy and shifting, forever.

Also I couldn't resist painting a cat on that last one. I messed with the natural progression of the palette, yes, but it was worth it.

Bunny Parade ft. Flower Dog

Apparently painting really is my passion, because I did these whilst I was not feeling very well and it did an incredible amount of good somehow. So I'm enjoying all their rough edges as symbolic.

I decided just to use black because thinking about colours would possibly have overheated my brain this time. I love the wobbly dog above. Possibly my favourite thing. It's so wobbly. A wiggly jelly dog.

It's mostly a parade of bunnies, however, so please accept them into your heart. They'll be safe there, and it's perfectly medically above board. I promise.

I really like this watery one with no legs. You don't always need to paint legs. There are no rules.

It's all very top notch here.

Blue/Green/Orange

More hearts, bunnies, and bright colours? From me? Shocking. Yes, here they are. I went for a very exciting blue, green, and orange colour palette which feels a bit summery. I think the blue is my favourite, just to rudely judge and rank the colours there. I'm a cruel and heartless person that way. I'm sorry.

Anyway, there isn't too much to say about these, and there doesn't need to be. They're just here. Like me. There's no reason to anything, so just enjoy that. Look out of your window. Look at some trees waving around. Nice.

Antici... pation

People spend their lives looking for happiness, generally. That's the goal. Be happy. But what's interesting to me is how that can mean so many things. There's an ambiguity to happiness in that as a concept it entails so many variables. So many different kinds of happiness are out there. Our hormones are like a fruit bowl of options when you think about it. So I guess it's easy to chase a slightly not-actually-maybe-all-that-great version of happiness.

I mean, what are we talking about? Ecstasy? Extreme bliss? The muted yet deep relaxation that can come from sinking into a warmth bath? Ever-present contentedness that makes you feel like a happy little steam train chugging along? Miscellaneous fuzzy feelings that shoot around your chest like tiny fireworks? There's a lot to think about.

But one of my big favourite potential happinesses comes in the form of anticipation, perhaps morphing into excitement. That's something I've been feeling fuzzing around inside me recently for a few different things, and I was thinking about it, and actually I'd really like to feel more of that. If I'm chasing anything it should be anticipation. Like chasing the act of chasing itself. Hell yeah.

I want to do things that feel fresh and new. I want to grow and change. Sometimes I want to fly to New Zealand, change my name to Apple, and become a freelance botanist who plays the cello and only wears sundresses. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but the point is that I have dreams. The real ones are secret and stupid, but they're like jewels you keep hidden up in the attic. It's time to get that down and feel that glitter of sparkling anticipation, for my entire life.

Bunny Clouds

Here are some purple bunny clouds. Of course, this is their natural habitat, so please be respectful. I've been really into drawing in white on a dark colour lately. It feels right. It feels good.

There's something very satisfying about a deep purple too. It's such a great colour that looks so rich in its darkest tones. I'm a big fan. These bunnies are surrounded by stars for no particular reason. The stars are just drawn to them, really.

Also, here are some mysterious orbs:

Please enjoy the orbs.

Animal Crossing Journal #34: Contemplating The Weeds

I like the stages you can go through with Animal Crossing games. I may go months between visits a lot of the time these days, but it still has this lovely feel of visiting a hometown. Sure, things have gotten a bit messy, there's mismatched flowers in random spots and there's a new house in an inconvenient location, but the shifts that go on in the town when I'm not there are kinda great. It makes everything feel like a real place I can always go back to. It's such a unique feeling.

I wandered around for a bit, mostly cleaning up weeds and stray flowers, but one of my villagers suggested a new Public Works Project, which was a surprise to me because I thought all possible PWPs had already been suggested. There is always some little thing hiding in this game. It's just as nice coming back to it and weeding around town than it was to build everything up in the first place.

There are still a lot of cats here, too, but I discovered that Benjamin will soon be moving to town. He's a lazy dog, and I welcome him.

It's been a nice, small visit back to Boy, but I should probably remember to greet Benjamin soon (and I would like to reach maximum bell allowance at some point, so I gotta save up). For now though, I'm just going to do some weeding and sell some lemons.

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