It's Dark

It's getting pretty dark and dreary in the day most days now, and I don't know what it is about that that makes me feel so content, but I'm here looking at the white/grey sky and the still, bare tree branches, and I feel this deep sense of contentedness. It's my natural place, a little gloom. But a bright gloom. The sunlight and the darkness together.

It was cold enough, earlier, to want to cover my bare hands in my room. I'm typing and feel the chill like a frost laid blanket-like across my skin. It's a weird feeling, noticing that you just slightly want to put your gloves on indoors. And it's not super comfortable and means it's time to put the heating on, but I always find a strange sort of comfort in that tentative cold. The little tiptoes of cold creeping over me. It makes me feel really grateful for the ability to warm myself up, for a start. I know a lot of people have poor heating and/or insulation and it's really hard to be in a place like that throughout the winter. But I guess it's like waking up and splashing your face with cold water and feeling super awake and refreshed. It does something that makes me feel bizarrely good. And this whole season is like that, psychologically, for me. It's so weird, but so great.

I've got my big winter coat fully out. It'll be permanently attached to me for months. I'll start getting sick of it in January, most likely. The cycle of the winter coat continues. But right now I'm in that beautiful honeymoon stage where I'm excited to be a bulky coat lady stepping too enthusiastically on the leaves that are still congregating in crunchy piles everywhere. I'm excited to wrap the huge scarf I got last year around me like I'm basically just wearing a blanket in public, because it's so big and warm. I'm alive. It's dark. It's cold. It's time for more hot chocolate (I had some the other day and it was so good, and I went to sleep early - very beautiful).

Beautiful Friends

Here are some more green and orange friends. They're just hanging out, under the moon, loitering suspiciously. That's what all of my paintings are doing, actually. All of the time, they're just loitering mysteriously under the stars. Just being there. They have nothing to say for themselves.

Here's a blobby dog. Being blobby is a great talent for a dog and I encourage it. Dogs don't really need to obey the laws of physics. They can wobble and morph as much as they like. I support them in their highly confusing physicalities. Good for you, blobby dogs.

This is an exclusive portrait of me thinking about Danny DeVito. A candid moment. A personal, emotional time captured. The look in my eye is simply beautiful. Breathtaking.

This, as you may be able to tell, is Person With Hat. The most famous celebrity of all. And here he is, wearing his famous hat, and giving us a gracious wave. What a wonderful man.

And lastly, here's a bunny with a big orange head. Beautiful. Graceful. Thoughtful.

Journal Quest

Here are some green and orange things. Just some quick and leisurely little paintings. Sometimes I really like to paint pretty early after I get up. Have breakfast, put some true crime YouTube videos on (I don't know why they're being recommended to me, but I guess this is a new phase), and paint some stuff in the morning.

Doing something creative super early always makes me feel good because it's like I'm ahead of the day. The day can't go faster than me. I'm on top of everything. I'm first at doing something. Time can't win. I don't know, it just feels nice to have already done something. I usually check some stuff online first thing, but it's really nice to take some time to read or draw or write something before anything else. Speaking of reading, I really ought to finish the book I'm reading right now, but I guess I'll probably read a bunch over the Christmas period.

Here are some journal pages. Some shellshocked little animals. I like the difference in brightness between these pages. The subdued look is nice. A gentle painting.

However many journal pages I fill in, there are always more. An endless succession of journals to fill. I will never catch them. I kinda like that though. The never-ending journal quest.

Hands & Bunnies

I so rarely make scans in good daylight that the bright white space in these stunned me for a second when it showed up, until a cloud moved in front of the sun just before I made the fourth one. I like them like this, though, and should remember to make more when it's light out. Get up in the morning, scan your face. The normal routine.

I like the fuzzy edges fading into light, it sort of looks more surreal than a fade into shadow. I like both, but it's interesting. The subtle differences in feel that come from whether it's light or dark.

Anyway, here's my bunny. I thought I'd scan him. I think I might make a bunch of scans of my hands soon, actually, because besides the face they are maybe the most interesting thing to watch change. Maybe my favourite part of the body, just because they're responsible for everything and they're kind of the primary connection to the world. I don't know, but anyway check them out I think they're good and I recommend them. You can pick stuff up with them. It's really good.

It's almost 2019 already. I'll see you out there in the fuzzy light.

Apples & Leaves

Here are some friends looking at apples. They're just staring happily at some apples. Let them be. Let them enjoy this moment. Ah, what better thing can one do of an afternoon? Just look at some apples. There's nothing better.

These are just a couple of paintings I've done recently. Once again with my happy colour combo of orange and blue, but with just a slightly subdued blue with them mixing together a little bit in a muddy, autumn-appropriate fashion.

I've seen so many orange and yellow leaves everywhere, and I love to crunch upon them all. A glorious leaf-crunching time. Very good. That's what these orange shapes bring to mind. A background of falling leaves. It's nice. A nice time.

Painting Pikachu & Other Delights

Here's a bunch of pictures of miscellaneous things from recently, because, you know what, there have been many nice things recently. Like this Pikachu I painted. A beautiful boy. My sweet child. A flawless round friend. I love him. I'm not sure what it is, but a small and nostalgic and round Pikachu is a beautiful thing, and makes me happy. Just paint a Pikachu at any time, then you'll be doing life right.

Here's some good stuff my sweet friend Bethany sent me. We've been sending each other cards and stuff for a while, and it has been super nice. I'm a huge fan of the concept of Casper the friendly ghost dressing up as a skeleton. I guess maybe it gets old being a ghost every year. I respect it. Also sheep stickers? Now I have no choice but to put sheep stickers on everything.

I took this picture of my legs for who knows what reason, but I like the miscellany of it. A casual, pointless photo. They're the best kinds of photo sometimes. One tiny, meaningless little moment. Here it is. I like that, and I like taking pictures without intending to capture anything in particular or do anything with them. You never know what you're gonna end up finding some meaning in later, or just liking for no particular reason.

And finally, here's a picture of my bunny - a cosy friend who lives on my bed right now - and some weird wobbly mirror shots I took because to be honest, this mirror provides me with endless joy. Love to stare into it and watch reality bend into something unrecognisable. My favourite pastime.

The Freckle Hourglass

I have this freckle formation on my arm that I think of as like an hourglass. I don't know how long each freckle has existed there, and I don't notice it a lot so I often forget it's there at all, but something about it makes me smile. It's as if there's a secret shape there, a symbol.

I used to think about getting a little tattoo somewhere, but I think I'm too indecisive (and to be honest I don't extremely love the idea of a needle doing... that... to me). Also I guess so many little body things exist that are so unique and interesting that I just sort of feel like there's no reason to add something else. I like tattoos, but on me I almost feel like it would be too much. There are so many things already! Although I bet it would be fun to get a matching tattoo with someone.

But I don't know, I just love those tiny little body things that are easy to forget about. It's so funny to me how easy it is to forget things about your own body or appearance. It's nice to notice those little things. Even the spots appearing and fading are sort of mesmerising to me. I feel like if I say I like 'em anyone reading is gonna roll their eyes, but really, there's something about acne and faded out red pigmentation that I find charming in its own way. I mean, I'm not a fan of having spots, but there's something about the ebb and flow of them that I like. And it's texture and pigmentation and scarring and lines on other people that I genuinely like and find pleasing to look at. I swear it makes sense.

The directions your veins go, the fact that everyone's vein patterning is so different. I love that. And the colours, of course, the blue fading into purple, looking sort of fogged over by the skin. It's just something fun to think about. To just be there in a body and to look at things about it and be like, "oh yeah, that's there." I think it's nice. I think it's one of the nice inconsequential sort of things about being alive.

What weird little pulsating systems we are.

Dresses To Wear In Dreams

I've been idly dreaming about wearing colourful sundresses in an art gallery or whatever, and as a result spent some time earlier browsing and perusing the miscellany and wonder of Zaful's 'dresses' section. Just because I remembered it's a site that has a kind of interesting collection of stuff. I think I remembered seeing some cool and enticing beachwear style stuff there in the past.

In any case, I thought it would be fun to pick out some of my favourite and most stylish of the dresses there that I like. Perhaps not so much ones I would actually wear, but ones that fit my little fantasy art gallery scenarios best (because in real life I get cold easily and often feel weird about having exposed shoulders, and also bras make life confusing and unwieldy when it comes to various necklines that would otherwise be very cute).

Without further ado, here are some dresses that are cute, and that I may wear in my elaborate fantasies:

1. Yellow Floral Summer Dress - $16

I love the tie detail on this, as well as the colour, and the little flowers. I think it's so cute. In my fantasy I am going to wear this on a boat, with a little straw hat. You can't stop me, because it's inside my fantasy.

2. Ruffled Polka Dot Dress - $26

This is a very fun dress. I love the polka dots and the ruffles and the very cute ribbon tie. This feels like a more realistic dress somehow for a forest dwelling type such as myself. I will wear it to gather firewood and mushrooms, before being accosted by flower fairies who require a favour.

3. Cami Crossover Slip Dress - $12

This is the dress I wear to a jazz bar to meet the man with the briefcase. I drink whiskey. I listen to the cello intently. I have a powerful secret. The secret is probably that I am cold and need to wear a jumper.

4. Pink Empire Line Dress - $22

I love this flowy, comfy style. It looks so gentle. This is a dress to wear to meet a cow in the meadow, or to go to Italy. Maybe to go to Italy and meet a cow in a meadow.

5. Floral Print Buttoned Cami Dress - $20

This dress has such a nice dark blue colour to it and I love the floral pattern, as well as the buttons running down the whole thing. Super nice detailing and very cute. I will wear this dress to carry baguettes through town back to my sun-dappled apartment for breakfast. Maybe this is also in Italy. A lot of things are in Italy.

☆ﾟ.*･

Those are my exciting sartorial choices for my dreams. I will also be frequently wearing bedazzled dungarees. The best dream outfit.

Mush

Here are some miscellaneous drawings, absent-mindedly thrown onto my blog like a frisbee, because that is surely what blogs are for. You know, that's what it's like being online sometimes. You just throw things out there. And here's an attempt at a poem sort of inspired by them:

Some secret friends gathered round like gemstones on the beach
Sparkling and bespectacled, they had some things to teach 

What wonders came from whence their minds could ever leech
I could not say, I could not tell, with no conclusion to reach 

But on that day of spring sun and friends on a windy beach
I was fortunate enough to find myself offered a tasty peach 

And on that day the sun set sail and took away my speech
But what a lovely day it was, a perfect little breach

It doesn't flow so well, but sometimes you gotta write a poem and then just never edit it or think about it again. Just make it and then discard it. Although I'm discarding it onto my blog like my blog is a bin. Well, that's okay. Sometimes it is, and that makes me like it more. Sometimes it's a place to put unfinished things or half-baked thoughts (thoughts that are cold and hard in the middle but all mushy and hot on the outside).

That's what being online is all about! And really, what being alive is all about. Okay.

Navy Blue & The Lie We Call Time

Hello! It's 4:42pm on a Tuesday as I write this and it's almost dark out. Just that bright fading blue in the sky that reminds me of school uniform colours (my school uniforms were royal blues that became navy). I'm thinking about the way things happen all at once and out of the blue (hmm, seems like blue is a mysterious and suspect colour). You know, it's just, things are how they are for so long and then all of a sudden it's like a cog has clicked out of place somewhere. And I feel like it happens a lot, in tiny ways. Little things start spinning around all the time. It's strange. But I always find it comforting thinking about how things can change just like that.

You live your whole life and someone else lives theirs and suddenly you're slammed together. You try something over and over and it never works, only one day something shifts and lets it happen. Chance falls from the sky like a bowling ball or a feather. It's so strange.

And have you ever had a fantasy come true? I have little fantasies all the time, you know, just maybe wearing a red sundress and looking at crabs on the beach with a friend, or visiting someone who lives far away, or making a particular sort of thing maybe. But sometimes things come true unexpectedly, and I can't believe it. The time I recorded songs with a friend, and then we put songs on Spotify and played The Purple Turtle in Camden (to two disinterested audience members maybe, but it was still great). The few times I've drunk-talked to musicians I admire, maybe embarrassing myself a bit but having a nice little moment. The times when I'm outside and it's dark and something about the place just looks and feels exactly like something I'd imagined before.

It's so strange, that all these things can happen. That tiny dreams can come true, that momentary things can feel bigger than years. Everything is such a mystery. And I think time passing almost means nothing, when I think about how you can meet someone and feel like you've known them forever, or you can one day do something you never thought was possible.

And I'm really grateful for that mystery. I'll hold it around me like a blanket, and we'll run into the navy blue like a shopping trolley let go, hurtling into the road. Only, by now it's 5pm, and the sky is black, and there's a crescent moon looking fuzzy above the rooftops.

Amnesia Doesn't Work Like That

What would it be like to have nothing but your body? What if everything you owned was gone somehow? Not in a fire or anything traumatic but just disappeared. Vanished. Not that couldn't be traumatic, I mean, but just hypothetically let's assume it's not. And that everything vanishes, and you're fine, but everything's gone. Your belongings, your home, maybe your clothes, maybe your memory too. Who would you be then?

It's something I like to fantasise about sometimes. I guess it's appealing because it's like wiping the slate clean, the idea of getting to be some fresh, newly installed you. Not that I would really want this to happen, but it's just a compelling thought that catches at the front of my mind sometimes.

What if I had to meet everyone I knew again? What if I had to meet myself again, or piece myself together through other people's worn memories? What would be the first item of clothing I'd buy if I didn't have any and didn't remember having any? Who would I become if I started from now?

These are just questions that never end. A spiral staircase of an idea, descending forever. And I guess that's why I like it.

Diary: Autumn Cocoon

I feel like I have been doing 1 million tiny fun things lately, and it's been raining, and the trees are bright orange, and everything's kinda nice. I watched some movies online with friends, which was super fun, and I've been doing some organising of files and drawers and things, which is always very satisfying and good. Also, I watched a bunch of classic early 2000s soap opera stuff. The Richard Hillman Coronation Street saga still makes me feel... many feelings.

I've been very much enjoying the October/November feel. It's been raining so much and I cannot explain the level on which it soothes me. It's like the rain on the window creates a cocoon around me. I finally got my retainer, so my Invisalign treatment is now officially over, and that's very cool. I like the retainer because it's a sturdier plastic than the Invisalign trays and hopefully that means it won't break. I also stumbled into Stephanie Harlowe's videos on YouTube where she discusses various murder cases and missing persons, and they're bizarrely addictive to watch.

I feel pretty motivated and happy right now. I think it's the vigour of autumn seeping into me. The clarity of the cold-but-not-too-cold. I don't know. Something feels right, anyway.

Take Me Dancing (The Best Music Video Ever?)

I would like to posit that the music video for Will Joseph Cook's 'Take Me Dancing' is maybe the best music video ever. It has a fairly simple premise - two people in an office are screwing around. Dancing. Throwing papers. Treating their office as a playground. And it is the most touching, silly, wonderful thing.

Every time I watch it I just feel really stricken by it. It makes me feel free in a way I can't quantify. It has that perfect combination of underlying genuineness and sentimentality with abject silliness. My favourite shot might be the one where Cook is singing into a Henry Hoover (already great) and the office girl runs over and switches it on, so Cook can attach the nozzle to his chest and hold his arms up to the sky in triumph. Perfect.

It feels as if there is a tiny dramatic narrative running threads through the video too. We see snippets of things suggesting a reality - the typing and deleting of an email subject field that opens the video, the conspiratorial fake shouting and shooting, the lift music at the end. There's something very genuine about this that reminds me a little of the unspoken and quiet but clear moments in scenes from Lost in Translation.

But ultimately it's the joy of it that gets me. The whole video is a celebration of stupid little moments. The frivolity of bonding. The glee of dancing in a place meant for work, in a place you wouldn't get to be so brazenly yourself.

It's so great. Watch it here:

 

Making a David Byrne

Sometimes you just have to make a David Byrne. You wake up in the morning, you consider your dreams, and then you become filled with an urgent and pressing need to construct a David Byrne. It's something we all go through.

So of course, I satisfied this great need one day recently, and made myself a beautiful David Byrne in a beautiful big suit. Here he is. Look at him. Surveying the lands, casting an eye out towards his surroundings - I have made him. My own David Byrne, rustling gently in the breeze.

Isn't nature beautiful? Isn't the wonder of life vast? I love my David Byrne, and I will soon teach him the ways of the world, and we will place flowers in each other's hair, and all will be well.