A Pitch Black Path

I read somewhere recently that you can't feel fear and appreciation at the same time. I don't know if that's true, but I like it and I want to think about it a lot. Because I guess there are a lot of things that are scary to all of us. You can't escape the presence of fear. I'm still always going to be afraid if I'm in some pitch black place at night, because stuff like that is hardwired in us for survival. But sometimes there's little things to appreciate in places of fear.

I remember one night out with my friends as a teenager, we walked along the road to a park near one of their houses. In the streets preceding the park entrance, we had the streetlights. In the park itself, there was enough residual, nearby light to cast a dim glow over us. But in this small piece of woodland path between the streets and the park proper, the trees blocked out almost all light. All of us were scared going through there, but we went together, and we laughed, and it was worth it to be together at night in this secret place just for us. We made fun of each other, we played up the scariness, and in facing the unique mortal terror of the darkness, we were elated.

So there was something to appreciate there, in that moment, and in a lot of fear that small gem can exist. I've done some things that were hard or weird or that I couldn't wait to be over, but in so many of them there was something to appreciate. Sometimes it was something a difficult experience taught me, or sometimes just something good adjacent to something bad. Nice memories with someone who isn't around any more. The perfect forensic testimonial of a torn sentimental note. Knowing that pain means you care, and that maybe that can't be bad. Or maybe just getting to buy nice new pyjama bottoms when a hole appears in the butt.

So I guess, hold my hand, and we'll walk that pitch black path.

All pictures taken in the Museum of Modern Art, Sunday 23rd September 2018.

New York

So, New York. Where do I start? I've been there before, five years ago, as a small child of 22. It's weird how much it's possible to forget about a place. It's the only place I've been where I've had time to walk around on my own, and maybe that's part of why I like it. It just feels natural to be there, and I love walking around. It's one of my great passions, just to walk around. Also there are so many fountains. Why are there so many fountains? I love them.

Flowers outside Teuscher Chocolates, off 5th Avenue.

The first time I went there it snowed, but it was never too cold. Actually, I've always been about the right temperature in New York. Maybe that's the only reason I like it there. I've just been blessed with comfortable temperatures there. This time it was usually warm but mild, the perfect weather, but it rained to flood level on the one day I had to meet a friend. Puddles and leaves everywhere. My jacket got soaked through and I just had to carry it, but it wasn't too cold.

5th Avenue.

I flew out on the 21st of September, so of course I have had Earth, Wind and Fire's song, September, stuck in my head intermittently. And I always will. Every moment. For the rest of my life. Apparently Ricky Gervais went there the next day, so I'm imagining how funny it would have been to be on the same flight as him. Me, sleep deprived, recognising Ricky Gervais on my way back from the plane toilet after a glass of wine. Probably trying really hard to stop myself from doing the David Brent dance right then and there. God, what an image. Anyway, luckily for everyone, that didn't happen.

A bird friend I made at Thomas Paine Park.

One thing being in New York reminded me is that... I'm shy. Sometimes, at least. I don't know if I can truly be categorised as shy. I don't know if I'm definitively shy. But being around strangers a lot, and around new things, and stuff like that just brings out this shyness in me that I completely forget exists. It feels so strange, like I've forgotten who I am for years. Is this shy person really me? I don't know, it's very weird to forget something like that, but I guess things like that can circle around. I don't know if I'm capital S Shy, but it's something. In some kind of way, I'm shy. But walking around on my own I feel the opposite. Looking at all the tiny birds and tall buildings. I mean, obviously, being shy is situated around being with other people, but I feel comfortable and happy there on my own. It makes me wonder what it would be like to really travel alone. I've never done that.

A nice frog in ABC Playground.

I wish that going to sleep somewhere didn't have to cost money. I mean, plane tickets are one thing, but imagine if shelter was a non-issue. Obviously that's most important for people who are homeless, but you know, it would make it so accessible to travel, to go somewhere and just be there. It's scary that everything costs money. I will trade you a cucumber for a house. Please.

Rose II by Isa Genzken, at the MoMA.

I miss it already in a way that I don't think I've missed anywhere before, except maybe Scotland. I do miss Scotland. I can't wait to get rained on there again.

Feel Better Soon

I think maybe the most insidious thing about anxiety is that it makes you worry about it. You recognise it and you enter this loop of being confused or frustrated or worried about feeling anxious. You get anxious about feeling anxious. It becomes an infinity loop of that freaky stomach churning feeling, and maybe the idea that it's your fault. Why can't you fix it?

I've been feeling sorta physically anxious lately. All those bubbly stomach feelings, and that thing where you eat breakfast too early and it feels bodily wrong. Like you just weren't meant to eat before noon. Maybe breakfast is a conspiracy. But I realised that it can help to truly think of it as being unwell. I don't even realise how worried it makes me until I suddenly think to myself, "hey, I'm just feeling sick right now. I'm just not 100% well and I feel queasy, and there's nothing I can do about it and I'll probably feel better later." And then I feel this sense of relief and I realise that I've been holding a big orb of worry in my chest for no reason. It's like I just want myself to not feel anxious so much that I'm unconsciously straining to make it stop. As if I can force it to go away. And of course, I can't! Just like I can't force a headache away. It's just gotta be there. I just feel sick and weird sometimes, and I'm gonna feel better soon.

It's unfortunate how hard it is to actually notice when I'm internally stressing out about something I can't do a thing to alleviate except relax and let go, but when I can let go and just let myself exist in my physical reality of just feeling sick or weird, it makes it so much better.

It's ok. It's fine to be anxious. It's fine to have that weird twisty stomach feeling. I'm gonna feel better soon anyway.

Diary: Old Friends & Suitcases

September has been a strange month. I saw an old friend, who I didn't recognise for a second because he grew a huge beard since the last time I saw him (it's a strong look). We saw a very cool band called Yumi and the Weather, and although it took me an embarrassingly long time to find the pub they were playing at, it was really nice. I miss going to small gigs like that. I used to go to so many of them, but I guess the way you do things just changes sometimes. It's kinda funny to think about. Still, it's nice to go every once in a while. It's maybe more relaxing when it's occassional.

I guess I've been pretty sleepy (as always) recently, but I have obtained a small Kylo Ren figure to entertain me, and I've been watching plenty of stuff. I get so into watching new Netflix originals. They have truly sucked me in. My friend introduced me to The Twilight Zone too, and I'm so happy because it's the greatest thing.

I've been trying out some bits and pieces of animation, and I'd like to keep doing that. Maybe I'll spend some time on animating some cute gifs soon. Some happy bunny gifs. Something like that. I also ended up forgetting about filling in my diary for a while, so from the 15th to 19th I just used that space as a big diary entry for the 19th.

It's kinda cool to be able to ramble for once in this diary, since each day's section is so small, usually I don't get to do that. And some days just have more to them. The 19th was a day of packing and getting things ready to go to New York. I love the feeling of being all packed. I know where everything is. I know what's happening. It gives me a sense of peace. I am READY.

My suitcase had gotten pretty musty, but I cleaned it up and it survives. After that I pretty much watched stuff and drew some pictures to upload for when I'll be away. I love to be both excited and relaxed.

meet me in the woods +♬•*

I went to a woodland area recently for some video-filming purposes, and it was so nice to be there. I love the thick sound of the canopy rustling in the wind, and the sense of being inside a vast, living space. And there's something cathartic and fun about getting caught by thorns and touched by dirt. It feels like an outside home in a lot of ways, and I always think when I go there that I should go there more. So here are some pictures from that day in the woods, and a poem.

///

meet me
in the woods
where your heart beats slower

where the time is still
and the dead leaves pound

meet me
by the moss
that convulses in the light

where the branches snap
without a sound

meet me
at the mouth
of the long dead stream

where your dream sits in pieces
at the foot of the mound

meet me
in the woods
where your heart beats slower

give me
your breath
and you'll never be found

///

Green Bunnies

Here are some friendly bunnies (and one dog - a brave outlier) in red and green. And a little bit of pink. A sneaky bit of pink. Some wobbly, happy friends.

I'm really enjoying drawing these big, round paws lately. They're just so cute, like big mochi ball paws. I love them. I like to imagine that they are very squishy.

I use text in my paintings so much that it feels weird sometimes painting characters who ostensibly aren't saying anything. They're always talking! But I guess sometimes they can stay quiet and just be there, looking out serenely. What are they thinking about? We can only wonder.

Music Good Fun !!!!!!!!!

Here's a picture of The Kinks. I'm putting this here mostly because I thinks it's funny and I like to gently laugh at it. The perfect image.

I'm going to talk about music I've been listening to lately now, ft. some screenshots from my last.fm profile. Firstly, I'd like to point out the beautiful and serendipitous look going on here:

Look at all that black and white, and gentle blue. Very nice, very good. I've been listening to so much Neil Sedaka lately, and I love the man's voice so much. It's so high and happy, he sounds like he's smiling. There's a pillow-y, satisfying tone to his voice - I can't explain it. It just burrows into me. And of course his songs are just so great.

Also, I've been listening to a bunch of my old big favourites Chairlift. They have such captivating, intoxicating songs. The synths and soaring, floating, cloudy vocals. And my soft gentle boys Chad & Jeremy for the most relaxing time of all. Listening to their songs is like being underneath a wave.

I think the combination of funny-silly-sweet Jonathan Richman, funky-smooth John Mayer, and melancholy-euphoric Pale Waves (their new album rules) probably creates the perfect emotional sound for me right now. There's a humour there in that well, in that weird little concoction. It works.

I love the particular kind of emotional feeling of an album, or an artist overall. It's so fun to think about and listen to and often it's as if there aren't really any words that quite get there when trying to describe that. It's so cool. Also, that John Mayer 'The Search for Everything' album art makes me feel wistful and happy. Thanks John Mayer. I'm gonna listen to that album again, right now.

Sleepiness & Cheesecake

I'm writing this at 23:04. A time when I am feeling the power of sleepiness pressing on top of my head like a big, insistent, fluffy pillow. The exact moment it hits 23:00 I know I should be asleep. My body is a strict clock and its warning shall not be heeded. But of course, I know that this is also the perfect time for me to write a blog post. Life is a constant battle between your body and your desire to listen to one more funky John Mayer song, in my experience. And John Mayer will always win.

I think, actually, I have hit on the perfect writing advice, which is to always write in a slightly altered state of consciousness. Those spaces where your brain whirrs differently, somehow, when you're up too late or too early. When you're in a different place. When you've had a glass of wine. Or, of course, when you've just listened to almost all of John Mayer's 'The Search for Everything' album.

I feel like a part of me is always a bit sleepy, and maybe that's the best part. I remember growing up, that often going to bed was my favourite thing to do. It was the time of pure relaxation. I would imagine an elaborate fantasy about riding a horse to heaven or something (I like to fantasise about medieval settings, and also being on top of a cartoonishly fluffy cloud, please don't judge me). They were the most beautiful and pure moments of life, lying in bed, slowly drifting off, thinking about having very long hair and a crown.

So I think in some way that imagination and creativity are tied to that. Sleepiness and drowsy contentment. I know that I feel like I can be a lot more creative and wild and free with creativity when I'm content, and/or relaxed. I think I make my best stuff when I can just float into it. Just ease into it like I'm gently pressing a knife into a cheesecake. I'm sorry, I had to get a cheesecake analogy in there somewhere. Please forgive me.

Spaghetti Dog & Glittering Darkness

Here are some friends. They like to look at the stars. Or in some cases, just stare blankly ahead while the stars exist around and above them. That's my hobby too. Just staring. Love to stare.

Got some nice colours here, and some nice wobbly lines. Everything should be just as wobbly as my thoughts, and as you should know, my thoughts are tiny jellies. Little wobbly jellies all over the place. It makes sense. I love a dark but rich blue. A brightness nestled inside the dark. That's why jewel colours are so great. They're that beautiful part of the night where there's still colour in the darkness. It's good.

And here we see the entangling of spontaneity and relaxation. I think I kinda talk about these things a lot, or include them in my drawings a lot. I'm just really into doing what the body wants, and revelling in that natural, inescapable drive to: 1. do fun adventurous stuff and feel alive, & 2. lie the hell down. I love thinking about those things all the time. The main elements, I feel. The big important things. And how they intersect is super interesting to think about. Like you gotta have some fun and exploration and delightful new experience time, but at the same time maybe you gotta nap.

I guess I'm also really focused on these concepts just because around me it seems like there are a lot of people struggling with work/life balance and what they're doing with their free time, and then fundamentally who they are as a person based on those things and what they make time for. Obviously, what you make time for can say a lot about you as a person, but it's also really entrenched in what your society and environment instils in you as necessary or most important. And people get caught in that a lot. So I think about it and assess it all the time. I think it helps.

Anyway, spaghetti is good. That's the profound statement I'm here to share. Thank you.

Making "Beautiful Eyes" | Rotoscope Animation Stuff

Recently I made a small animation to test a super simple rotoscope style, so I thought I would include some frames here and talk about it a bit.

I love how weird and goofy you can make individual frames. I was using some footage of myself and some of the eye and mouth movements especially look so funny when translated into hand drawn frames. One of them straight up looks like Alan Partridge, and I am thrilled by this.

I really like how this turned out in terms of the simplicity, because of course hand drawing each frame takes a pretty long time, even though I'm effectively tracing images that are pre-existing (although of course, I had to make those images in the first place, so there is time needed before you even get to the part where you're animating), but using a style like this allows me to make good use of my time whilst also retaining some of the quirks of hand drawn animation.

I think that in a way it works better than more complex frames would, in that there's a unique sort of expressiveness and a neat feel to these frames because of the white space and relatively uncomplicated lines. It has a floaty feel that I like, and the goofiness that comes naturally from drawing over expressions made while talking and moving is great, but also enhanced by a barebones approach to the drawings.

I drew them as quickly as I reasonably could, and in some ways I think that rush sort of added to this goofy and slightly surreal feel, which I really like (especially with the element of the four eyes portion of the animation).

There's so much about rotoscoping that is uniquely satisfying, and despite its ostensible rigidity and time consumption, I really want to experiment more with what I can do with it. It's so much fun.

My Cat Friend

Here I am hanging out with my friend Dodo, who is a cat I know. He likes to sit by me and lie down and maybe lick himself, and it's a nice time. Always a very relaxing and chilled out experience. He doesn't even want to write any tweets! Sometimes, though, I will do tweets about our time together. I don't think he minds if I tweet. He just doesn't have any interest in tweeting himself, which I respect.

Anyway, I know we all are very aware that hanging out with a cute animal pal is a great time and a very therepeutic and pleasant thing to do, but still every time I do it I think the sheer level of goodness that it brings me is understated, so I thought I may as well write this post about how nice it is. You know, just to be grateful, just to remind myself of this one true joy - and also so I have an excuse to post more photos of us together, because that also brings me great joy.

I don't know what it is about taking photos of yourself having a cool time, but I will never stop loving taking fifty photos of myself doing one particular thing. Like, I gotta document it, the thing that is happening, but it also becomes a fun activity in itself. Posing, making silly faces, positioning the camera, and in this case finding out what particular effects the Huji app has added to each image. It's a fan cataloguing/organisational process, it captures something about me and hopefully makes me look nice, and it serves as a precious reminder of a lovely moment. A pure delight.

Hang out with a cat sometime. Get a cat's perspective on things. It's a good time.

Autumn & Cycles

Here are some spooky creepy scans, all stretched and strange like all of my thoughts and ideas and intermittent desires for cheesecake. It's just about the best part of the year again, that time when the sky has the right amount of gloom and brightness. The colours are rich and earthy and clear, I can wear a jumper but don't have to walk around in a huge that effectively looks like I might as well have worn my entire duvet, and there's a nice calm feeling to everything.

That's what I want and need, and of course, the spooky stuff comes soon too. I am ready.

I feel like it's almost the time that most perfectly matches my psyche. Maybe that's just a meaningless idea, but I don't know, it's fun. There's a sense of belonging I feel with the autumn, like that's where I'm supposed to be somehow. The crunchy orange leaves make me happy, as do the cheesy plastic skeletons. And everything reminds me of that constant transition. The world moves, the leaves fall, the weather cools.

It's all this gentle whirling, and it really is like how it is to be a person. How it is to be always cycling through something. Thoughts and possessions collected, hair growing and splitting, shoes wearing out. All that stuff kinda makes me feel happy, and home. I mean, I did wear out my favourite boots recently, and that's a shame, but there's something about that cycle that makes me feel content.

Here's to autumn, and cycles of growth, and comfortable shoes.